Hiding My Eating Disorder

ANYONE CAN HIDE AN EATING DISORDER

Unless you’ve read my autobiography Chasing Extreme, or have followed me closely for a while, you may not know that for over three years (between 2013-2016) I struggled with an eating disorder.

This was a very dark time in my life, where I hid large parts of it from everyone! 

I struggled with depression badly, to ‘cope’ with the severe lows, I would binge eat like I hadn’t consumed any food in days.
Then, not eat for 36-48 hours, while doing 2-3 hour runs, 3-4 hour bike rides, and hour long swims to burn off the fuel I flooded my body with.

This process allowed me to maintain the same weight, so no one would notice anything different.

Some nights after I’d eat 2 or 3 tubs of ice cream, I’d then make myself throw up the milky substance, not sleep for the night as I berated myself for being ‘’stupid’, then once the sun rose, tell my house mates that I must have “ate something dodgy” last night, which is why I was vomiting late at night in the bathroom.

This is what my eating disorder looked like. 

This cycle would happen several times a week, other times weekly, and throughout 2016 once or twice a month. I hid this detrimental behaviour from everyone for many years, mainly because I felt ashamed, and struggled to find a way to break the cycle.

My entire life has been about human performance. 

I was taught about nutrition from a young age, completed several courses on the subject, and inquisitively have read countless studies on ways we all can use nutrition to help us perform better, and increase overall health.
I make this point to show that even though I am educated in the matter of nutrition, and using it to optimise health & performance, it still wasn’t enough to pull me out of the vicious eating disorder cycle I was in for years…

After finally finding the courage to speak up about what I was doing to myself (to a psychologist in 2014) this was only the start of my recovery. 

I spent years doing my own personal self-development work, alongside working with various different professionals.

I haven’t binged since 2016.
I haven’t made myself vomit after eating since 2016.
I haven’t ate in secrecy feeling ashamed since 2016.

If you are struggling with your relationship to food, disordered eating, or an eating disorder; know you are not alone!

I promise you the shame will go away, the love for yourself will return, and the compulsions will ease over time – when you are ready to use the pain you are going through as motivation to seek help, instead of running away from the pain you are experiencing.

My Final Thought.
Friends and family may not understand, but they will always love you.
Professionals will understand, and have the skills to help.
I’m always here for anyone who is struggling & wants to chat, drop me an email.